Undoctrination.org

As I watched the live coverage of the Chilean mine rescue, like nearly everyone else who was paying attention, I was enthralled. Thirty-three men had survived for sixty-nine days in a sauna-like tomb 2,070 feet below the surface of the earth; and now, owing to the miracles of modern science and the inextinguishable flame of human determination, they would all emerge to see their families again. Countries around the world had worked together to supply technology, materials, and equipment to make the recently-impossible happen. The last thing on my mind—on anybody’s mind—during that historic rescue, was politics. Anybody’s except yours, Chris Matthews.

While the rest of the world enjoyed a real-time story of incredible ingenuity, a story of the triumph of the human spirit, you, Matthews, enjoyed an opportunity to turn the event into cause for a political bash-fest. Your obsession with the Tea Party movement didn’t overwhelm your best judgment; it exposed it. Your judgment doesn’t get any better than that measure of it you exhibited before your audience that night. Instead of being happy for the men who were saved, relieved for their exhausted families, proud of the American contribution, or in awe of the delicate operation that went off so flawlessly, you instead proclaimed a teachable moment. But no one who watched you and your disoriented thug of a guest, AFL-CIO chief Richard Trumka, was to be taught a lesson in determination, or generosity, or cooperation; no, they were taught an astoundingly out-of-place lesson in social dogma: Adam Smith bad, Karl Marx good. To use that moment to justify a disjointed lecture on Tea Party ideology was to treat your loyal viewers to one of the most blatant examples of childlike selfishness ever seen on live television. To conjure up dim-witted scenarios that imagined trapped tea partiers killing each other rather than working together in a survival situation was to push leftist pomposity—nay, stupidity—to an entirely new level. But know this, Matthews: You started it.

On that note, Matthews, I’d like for you to accompany me on a journey, a journey across time and space, a journey to the world of What If. Not your confused, senseless What If, Matthews, but a logical, realistic What If. (The scene gets wavy and fades to the sound of plucked harp strings.) What if, Matthews? What if Chile were still a banana republic instead of a modern country taking great strides to join the community of advanced states? And what if, instead of Sebastian Pinera, Chile had a different president?  What do you say we find out—huh, Matthews? Now float there and shut up. We’re about to do something for that restless leg syndrome of yours.

August 5—The San Jose copper and gold mine, 500 miles north of Santiago, collapses. It is not known how many miners are missing or killed.

August 6—The foreign-born president of Chile, Barak Obama, attempts to calm a restive public by announcing that teams of lawyers are already en route to the site of the disaster. During a post-speech Q and A, he says that recovery crews will be organized pending an environmental impact study.

August 7—President Obama’s press secretary, Roberto Gibbs, assures reporters that the president had meant to say “search and rescue crews.” He says every effort is being made to find the parties responsible for the disaster, and that expert legal aid has been requested from other countries. Pressed by the palace press corps, Gibbs promises that the search and rescue teams will be organized immediately following the environmental assessment.

August 8—President Obama states: “If laws were broken, leading to death and destruction, make no mistake, my solemn pledge is we will bring those responsible, uh, to justice.”

Aug 9—President Obama declares a moratorium on all mining in Chile, suspending the livelihoods of tens of thousands of mine workers and their families, until the issues of mine safety and environmental impact can be addressed satisfactorily.

August 10—President Obama cuts his golf game short when news breaks that the city of Copiapo, home of 24 of the missing miners, has unilaterally arranged for a U.S. firm to begin drilling into the mine. An aid informs the president of this after the news is broadcast on cable networks.

August 11—The Chilean army is called to the site of the disaster. Soldiers halt the drilling crews that have been at work since the previous evening, citing a lack of permits and usage of unapproved equipment.

August 12—President Obama tells the nation that rescue operations are the responsibility of the mine owners. He asserts that he will keep his boot on their throats until the necessary response teams are in position. He vows transparency during the process.

August 13—Roberto Gibbs reminds the press that the president is determined to find and punish all responsible parties. In reaction to hounding by reporters, he affirms the truth of rumors that other nations have offered to send mine-rescue teams and equipment. These offers, Gibbs says, are presently being analyzed by a blue-ribbon panel consisting of government scientists, representatives of Greenpeace, and a Muslim cleric. Legal teams, however, are en route from five countries, including Canada and the United States.

August 14—The mayor of Copiapo authorizes the American drilling crews to restart their operations despite a threat of arrest from President Obama. The president also warns that the drilling equipment will be confiscated if the American company ignores his directives.

August 15—San Estaban Mining Company executives appear before a special congressional committee to testify under oath. Obama denounces their finger pointing, and vows to end their “cozy relationship” with the government agency that permits them to mine, and then vows to put his boot on their Adam’s apples until they organize recovery teams to be available as soon as the environmental studies are concluded.

August 16—President Obama removes the top scientist from his environmental-study task force when it is learned that the scientist had once expressed a negative view of homosexuality.

August 19—The Chilean government seizes the assets of the San Estaban Mining Company.

August 20—President Obama announces that all Chilean mining corporations will be nationalized by year’s end for environmental and safety purposes, and vows transparency in any future mining operations.

August 21—Obama accepts offers of international help in the search operations, but orders the Copiapo mayor removed from the site. He promises to use every available resource to bring the guilty parties to justice.

September 2—A drill probe reaches surviving miners over 2,000 feet underground. The miners send up a note attached to the drill bit, indicating that twenty-two men are still alive. The last of their food was eaten a week ago.

September 3—A bittersweet mood envelops the country with the news of survivors. Identities of the dead have not yet been determined. Food and medicine are sent into the mine. A small company in Pennsylvania offers to provide Chile with a proprietary drill bit for boring a man-size hole 2,070 feet into the earth.

September 6—President Obama forms a second special environmental study team, who will fly to Pennsylvania to inspect the bit. The team includes government scientists, members of three South American environmental juntas, and a Muslim cleric.

September 7—The names of the deceased miners are released to the public. Two men have died since contact was made.

September 9—President Obama tells reporters, “In case you’re wondering who’s responsible, I take responsibility. It’s my job to make sure that everything is done to shut these mine operations down.”  He then vows to bring the responsible parties to justice.

September 10—Surviving miners move their camp to a warmer, drier location. Rescuers begin drilling a 12” pilot-hole, aiming for the miners’ new camp.

September 14—News leaks that President Obama has authorized Chilean funding of copper and gold mining in neighboring Argentina. One Argentinean mine is owned by a subsidiary of a firm owned by the single largest contributor to Obama’s Chilean presidential campaign.

September 20—In a press conference, President Obama says that while he was shaving that morning, one of his daughters asked, “Daddy, have you made the hole bigger yet?”

September 25—President Obama announces that while the families of the miners are free to bring suit against individual former mine executives, the mine company itself will now be exempt from liability. He urges those families—and all their friends and neighbors—to take part in the food stamp program until any settlements are resolved.

September 30—Having been approved with stipulations as yet unclear, the 28” Pennsylvania drill bit begins boring into the rescue shaft. During breakfast, one of President Obama’s daughters asked him if he had brought the guilty parties to justice yet, he says.

October  20—The drilling is completed.

October 24—The last of the nineteen surviving miners is pulled from the mine and rushed to the hospital with the others. In a news conference, President Obama says he was only doing his duty as president in organizing and overseeing the mine rescue. He emphasizes that those responsible for the deaths will be brought to justice.

October 25—President Obama sits for an exclusive interview with Al-Jazeera. He thanks the Muslim community for its invaluable service during the rescue, and asserts that the Islamic contribution was a necessary component of the operation. “Nobody doubts that,” he says.

But Chile is no banana republic, Matthews, so nothing like that happened. Keep in mind two can play at that game, and you’re inept at it. And one other thing, Matthews, before you return to your topsy-turvy universe where a belief in smaller government and self-reliance translates into rampant slaughter during a survival situation, and where only Soviet-style collectivism can save the day; chew on this from one of the rescued miners: “Strength came from internal energy and prayer, and I never used to pray. Here I learned to pray. I got closer to God.”

Kind of shoots your theory all to hell, doesn’t it son?